Family Guy - The Original Chicken Fight

Oh, hello. Didn't see you there. What's that? You noticed me here and want to tell me I'm beautiful? Why thank you. But no need. I already know. I'm sure you know who I am. The question is, who are you? World renowned explorer and part-time model / astronaut Roberre here. Yes, I know what you're thinking. I always do. You're wondering where I found this lush field of roses in Rexburg, Idaho. Well too bad, because I'll never tell you. Okay, I'll tell you. Legend has it that if you follow the Civil Defense caves far enough, they will take you all the way to Hell. Determined to prove this legend true, especially since I was the one that made it up, I set out to explore the vast tunnels of Hell itself. If my calculations were correct, I traveled approximately 12 balls of yarn and 2 shoe laces deep into the caves, when I came across a mysterious swirling vortex of liquid. I immediately jumped in and began splashing around, for science. Here's a picture of me conducting my investigations.

I call this look, "I'm trapped in a mysterious vortex, and busy doing smart stuff, but still very very good
looking". Soon after this picture was taken, I sank to the bottom and drowned. Sexy Editor's Note: this was only because I wanted to, and not at all because I don't know how to swim. The rest is sort of a blur. I can only tell you there was something about a mermaid, Narnia, Angelina Jolie and a tuna salad. Then I found
this field. I think that should answer all of your silly little questions.

Besides, how I got here isn't really important. What's important is, here I am. It feels good when I acknowledge you, doesn't it? Bask in the warm glow of my presence while you can. You see, once in a blue moon I like to give back to the little people who make my perfect life possible. So thank you, little people. After all, a wise man once said, "If a beautiful man gets lost in the forest, will anyone hear him flex?". That wise man was me; I said that. Where was I? Oh yeah, me. I'm great. There's a silly rumor going around that I'm "compensating" for something. First of all, how can I be "compensating" if I don't even know what that word means? Third, I have almost as much confidence as I do humility, and twice as many muscles. Furthermore, I am much better than you at minesweeper and racquetball, and I think that counts for something.

Okay, now I'm getting uncomfortable. Stop staring. I'm not a piece of meat you know. I have feelings too. I cried at the end of The Notebook. I cheered at the end of Lost (because it was over). If you prick me, will I not bleed? If you take a picture of me, will I not pose? I am NOT a prize to be won! And so on and so forth.
Well, whatever the point of this story was, I think I've proven it. Before I go, I'm going to leave you with a few healthy tips from champion boxer, fellow model, and Mexican superstar, TheSexiestMan. May his wisdom enlighten you as much as it did me.

ON HEALTH

<THEREALSEXIESTMAN> eat lots of beans for muslces and all the girls will want you

<+TSM-Champ> cucumber will give you perfect skin and will revive your body from inside

ON PEACE MAKING

<+TSM-ThepeoplesChamp> i got lots of muscles for everybody
<+TSM-ThepeoplesChamp> no need to fight

ON SELF DEFENSE

<+SEXIESTMAN-MostfamousMexican> i do kickboxing and box
<+SEXIESTMAN-MostfamousMexican> try punch
<+Seinfeld`Curse> i got a gun
<+SEXIESTMAN-MostfamousMexican> i can kick your gun
<+SEXIESTMAN-MostfamousMexican> and then with my fist broke your nouses

Paper Towels

The War of Rexburg

     We've all had history courses of some sort... whether it was tales of the crypt, our grandfather's tales, or better yet things our parents lied about. We all know they're true, so let's be honest. How much history has slipped through the cracks and gone unnoticed? Many facts lie under some old Wendy's can of fermenting chili in the basement of grandma's cabin, or buried under a pile of dad's tools in the garage, and we may very well assume there are stories forever lost in the lives of those silent farmers of Rexburg's minds. That's right, I said it, there are tales that these shy farmers keep hidden from us to save us from the TRUE  history of Ricksburg (our current Rexburg).
     Around the corner from the railroad tracks after you pass JB's restaurant in downtown Rexburg, there's a staircase, and under that staircase a man who lives alone, watching the students flood the home he holds dear each and every semester. Upon stumbling over this man's whereabouts I discovered his name was Enjun Joe. Half wasted at the time, he told me a story I absolutely knew was true the moment he began, it went a little something like this...
     It was the end of a harsh winter, August of 1947. Food was scarce and tempers were high as a lack of patience swept the valley. The heated rivalry between the French and the simple citizens of Ricksburg was escalating, causing the leaders of both side's armies a lack of sleep. General Ricks of the Ricksburg army was a wound up, scrawny yet well mannered farmer with a great knowledge of warfare. Half drunk most of his days, he swore an oath to never surrender to the French leader, General Le Pew. With the tension in the air so thick you could literally eat it for breakfast (and they DID), both sides knew their last and only battle to end all battles was coming, but when?
     The French didn't always have it out against Ricksburg. No. They used to travel by wagon over the Pacific as ferry's to trade Idaho Potatoes and volcanic rock for es cargo and fine cheeses, along with other fine French items. For hundreds of years peace was found among these two great world national leaders. But one hot Ricksburg day, temperatures rose to a record high of 72 degrees... which as we all know is 2 degrees higher than the melting point of France's most basic of cheeses. It was a summer heat wave that began the wave of heat no one ever wished upon either nation.
     On this particularly hot day, Benois Benitos was delivering a large load of fine cheese to the mayor of Ricksburg, Longfellow Ricks, as per usual this time of year. As Mayor Ricks prepared his large load of potatoes to be traded, he smelt a fowl odor coming from the West. To his surprise as he looked that direction he saw Benois, leading a cart load of the most hideous cheese he had ever seen, smelled and soon to have tasted. One tiny nibblet of that gaudy cheese sent Mayor Ricks into a 3 day coma, after which he awoke, and upon smelling the cheese yet again, he fell once more into a near-death stage for nearly a week. Benois took advantage of the situation and stole the potatoes and left his rotting cheese for the unconscious Mayor. When he finally came to, Mayor Ricks was outraged! And immediately he declared a bill that would officially put Ricksburg at war with the putrid, scoundrel French. And life as each citizen knew it, was about to change...

PART 2:
     Heated letters (which took forever because of Ricksburg's slow mail service) made their way back and forth, to and fro, from and for the once allied nations. Farmer Griffin, a close friend of Mayor Ricks met up for afternoon tea at the Mayor's mansion to discuss the impending war that would befall the innocent potato pickers. After much trivial deliberation and of course, afternoon naps... followed by donuts and hot cocoa (we don't drink coffee), the decision was made that Mayor Ricks would lead the army to fight against

France! The power was bequeathed upon the now General Ricks, and after he gormandized the list of responsibilities formulated by the council of Unextraordinary Gentlemen, he lined up his troops! He camped out for 3 months facing serious, harsh weather in order to fortify and prepare in the hills bordering the Big Rocks (aka our modern Tetons). Spring began and the French were surely coming soon! 8 more weeks passed, then FINALLY signs of on oncoming French legion could be seen! Numbering in the tens, General Ricks quaked in his boots with only a handful of men remaining after the harsh winter. Wishful thinking was all he felt he had to live on, and the men surrounding him had only muskets, trebuchets and boomerangs... this left General Ricks uneasy.
     As the French Legion charged the hills potatoes were lodged into their temples and their spleens befalling many! Courage began to take the troop of Ricksburg. Trebuchets fired, bullets zinged their zingy zongs and boomerangs flew their fiery courses! The French began their onslaught of harsh words and throwing of stones. But to no avail!

  

General Ricks released a mighty cry crouching on a boulder, and flung a large stone to General Le Pew. It impaled his ribs on the left and left the wind knocked out of him. General Ricks dove onto the now weakened Frenchman, took out a buck knife and gut em' like a fish! The same was what befell each and every soldier who would not surrender (totalling 13). And thus ended the war of Rexburg... and thus began the peaceful days of a once war torn nation. THE END.

Introduction...

Daren: What's up? I'm Daren, I'm all about paper towels. BOOM! I dunno, who's next in this thing... BOBBY!

Bobby: I'm not really as creative... but I like things that do stuff, and do stuff to things, depending on the thing and what kind of stuff... which leads us to KYLE!

Kyle: Crap. Uh... yeah, we... ummm... shoot. I got nothin